So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
