You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
