Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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