It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
