i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Less talking, more tequila
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize