I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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