my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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