T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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