he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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