I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
