Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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