look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
