it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
