I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize