i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
