After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
