I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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