I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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