I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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