omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
