You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
