Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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