umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
