WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
