laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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