Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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