Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My vagina is officially offended.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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