She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
