why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
