toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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