WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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