The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
