I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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