She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
