I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
