I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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