i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize