If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize