That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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