So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
