and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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