i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
