GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
