she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I need moral support for this bender
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
