you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
