Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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