he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
