Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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