dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just found a bag of teeth...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize