I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I want her autograph on my taint
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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