idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
