I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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