Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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