You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
