I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
