last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Someone shattered a urinal.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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