The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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