I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm both gender and math confused
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
