I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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