Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
