HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
my liver is dry heaving
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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