is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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