Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
